Guest Post by Maria Mar
You’ve been friends for years. But you feel trapped in a vicious circle. The more you heal and the happier you are, the worse the relationship gets. The bonds that should rejoice your heart are only causing you heartache.
You are in a toxic relationship.
This article will help you understand the profile of a toxic relationship. As you read, if you feel that a lot of what is said here applies to those who are acting “funny” with you now, then you are in a toxic relationship. In the degree in which it does not apply, you may be facing any of the other options described here.
Toxic relationships are those old tension-ridden, self-sabotaging relationships that you have used as bridges out of your self. Now that you have taken time to heal and manifest your dreams, those bridges seem broken.
Toxic relationships are those negatively-focused, complaint-packed dialogues that used to sustain your self-sabotage. Oh, how you dwelt on everything and anything that was wrong with the world! Now that you are acknowledging your blessings, there seems to be less dialogue and more silent treatments… or quarrels. What’s going on? Change is going on.
There are four types of people that will resist change, especially YOUR change.
- Toxic People
- Comfort Dwellers
- Terrified Tweeters
- Scared Loved ones
Scared Loved Ones
Let’s start with the last type, because it’s the easier one to detect and handle. They love you. They are there for you. You know that if you were in a jam, they’d be there in a cinch to help. So why are they acting so strange? Why are they dropping negative comments? Why are they acting as if you had slapped them, when all you’ve done is take care of yourself and begin to acknowledge and manifest your dreams?
They are scared. That’s all. This relationship is just going through a rough patch while they adjust to your changes. They are confused and do not know what these changes mean. Will your goals take you away from them? Will you get hurt? Are you bewitched by this “Law of Attraction hocus-pocus?” Why are you leaving a perfectly good job/relationship/lifestyle to embark on some dream that they may have not heard anything about?
When you change, people who love you get scared. Children get scared. Old people may get confused because they may not understand your modern terms and choices. Lovers get terrified that you are planning to leave them or are not satisfied with them. Friends feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to relate to the new you.
These are growing pains that all relationships go through. The good ones will survive. If your loved ones react positively to you showing them more love, giving them attention (while you sustain your new limits) and explaining how your changes benefit everyone, then you have nothing to fear. Things will get better.
There are sometimes friends and family members who refuse to change. When you begin to change, especially if you are taking actions to make your dreams come true, this threatens them. They feel insulted. They interpret your choices as telling them that they are insufficient, that you think you are better than them by going for BIG dreams, when they have conformed.
The sad truth is that these people don’t want to look into the mirror you present now. It shows their fear and cowardice. It shows that it CAN be done, but they didn’t even try. That’s why they attack with negative comments, silent treatment or gossiping behind your back.
Comfort Dwellers feel threatened by your changes and act defensively, but they are not toxic by default. However painful the situation is now, if these people respect your new boundaries and abstain from directly sabotaging or diminishing your motivation, then the relationship is not necessarily toxic.
The best policy with Comfort Dwellers is to meet them in their Comfort Zone and avoid trying to get them to accept or support your change. Keep your goals clear and your boundaries firm and they will eventually adapt because they will no longer feel threatened.
Are you facing mutiny on board? You are the captain of your life, and perhaps for a while you allowed others to steer the ship away from your dreams. As you heal, you have steered your life in the direction you desire. Shouldn’t they be happy for you? So why are they acting as if you had betrayed them? Why are they giving you the cold shoulder? Why are they on a crusade to change you back into your old self-sabotaging self?
We tell our children not to give in to peer pressure. But many adults are clueless as to the level of peer pressure they carry on their Psychic Shoulders. As a result, they give in to peer pressure, betraying their Personal Dreams and their spiritual growth.
Children and teens are more direct on their peer pressure tactics. They may result to insults or name-calling. Adults are more subtle. Friends will distance themselves. Peers will murmur behind your back. Family members will close ranks and mount a campaign to wear or break you down. Because they know you well, they know your Breaking Points. They will go for these weak areas in your psyche. This emotional and psychic attack can undermine your motivation and your energy level.
The Terrified Tweeters are not necessarily toxic. However, they may be toxic to you now because they undermine your dream. They may have also become suddenly toxic because your change activated a Toxic Field in them. This is an area in which they carry and spread toxicity. For some people power and money are Toxic Fields. For others, joy, passion and uniqueness bring out their poisons. As you examine your relationship options, these friends and family members are hard to place. It’s tough to make a choice on how to deal with them. If you could only convince them…
Don’t even try.
These people may change, but it’s not your job to change them. They have free choice. By their actions or inactions they can vibrate themselves out or into your new life. But I have news for you. You can’t control their choices. And why would you? You are trying to be free. Controlling others enslaves you to them.
When is a Comfort Dweller or Terrified Tweeter a toxic person?
Look at those people who danced well with you when you did not set limits, when you caretook them in their every whim, when you kept giving when they were not receiving. But the minute you set limits, stop caretaking and stand in your value, they begin to escalate their old, dysfunctional behavior. They create drama, and you are the bad guy. They bicker and accuse. They distance themselves. In every possible way, they pull you into the past, refusing to respect your choices.
What then? They’ve been with you for years. They may even be family members. You love them. (Though sometimes it’s hard to notice when they are sucking you dry.) What can you do?
Do for them what they don’t do for you. Respect THEIR choices. Allow them to vibrate out of your life as they hold on to old scripts and refuse to honor your needs. When you RELEASE them to their choices, you will feel a great weight lifting off your Psychic Shoulders. This is because you have stopped absorbing their Karma. And Karma means consequence. Stop buffering them from the consequences of their acts. They are capable adults. Respect their choices, even if it hurts you that they are speeding past you at a fast pace.
This does not mean that you stop loving them. In case of family members, this may not mean that you break completely with them. It does mean that you release them and stay in your center, refusing to allow them to push you from your core power.
Who is toxic?
When someone you love is toxic to you, you need to release this person as an act of love for yourself and for him or her. By toxic, I do not mean that they are finding it difficult to deal with your change. That’s normal. I don’t mean that they “make you” feel this or that way. No one “makes” you feel. That is giving your power away. If this is the case, assume the responsibility for your feelings, attitudes and responses.
Toxic to you are friends who repeatedly dishonor or betray you. Toxic are friends who play mind games. Toxic are people who are unwilling or unable to see how their acts affect others, how they are affecting you. Toxic people are blamers. They always have an excuse and a finger pointing somewhere else. There is no way that you can come to terms with people like that. You will be trying forever. Toxic are those who take, but do not receive. Toxic are those who take, but do not give.
Toxic people take you for granted. Their actions (and sometimes even their words) consistently reveal that they not value you. They put you down with words or actions. They make you invisible. They refuse to name the beauty and love you bring into their lives.
Some toxic friends are negative, cynical and unsupportive. Among these are the pseudo-intellectuals or cynics who see dreams and goodness as fairy tales and can only accept facts if they come dressed in rags and blood.
If these friends start mocking you about your dreams, laughing at your affirmations and grimacing at your positive attitude, just answer this question for yourself. What would you do if a vampire approached? What are you waiting for? RUN!
Some toxic friends, on the other hand, may be charmers. They will pay lip service to your dreams and even bring you little gifts to show their support. But their actions speak louder than their words. These friends cannot commit to love, to you or to their own words. Some do not know what they want. They keep asking for your help, only to drop the entire project the minute you committed your contacts or time to their support. You end up exhausted and your reputation is damaged with these toxic friends.
Some of this charmers cannot trust. They summon you, seduce you, beckon you to them. But they always stay at a safe distance. This is how they get their kicks. This is their control strategy. These charmers keep you on a leash. The truth is that you are flying, while they only complain and wish. Yet, they may give you the impression that they are about to take off, if you would only do the lifting.
Do you know how powerful your dreaming is? When you go for your dreams and create a daily discipline of positive thoughts, you open the flow of the River of Abundance, and your vibrations begin to spin at a higher frequency. People who want to play it safe, who do not trust and cannot commit will not be able to vibrate at this frequency.
That is what all the fuss is about. Toxic people are unconsciously pulling you back into a denser, slower frequency that does not allow you to vibrate at the frequency of your dreams.
When you give yourself permission to be happy and to manifest your dreams, toxic people start a full-fledge war against your happiness. The war can be overt. But it is often passive-aggressive. Toxic people will try to exert pressure in order to bring you back to a place of suffering, so that you stay with them in their misery.
Toxic clients are those who keep asking for more and take everything, but do not RECEIVE it. Because they are not allowing the love in what you give to touch them, they do not FEEL the value of it. As a result, they always want more and nothing is enough.
Toxic clients do not trust or value your expertise. Because they do not value themselves, they distrust the value of anyone associated with them. Once they hire you, they do not value you. They will ask for others’ opinions and act on those opinions, even if these other people are not experts. They will not follow your counsel and when their actions lead them to failure, they will fail to see that it was not your counsel, but their stupidity that lead them to that end.
Toxic clients haggle about the price of your service. They pay late and come up with excuses. They do not do their work and then complain that your service is not working. They give you the materials late and procrastinate, so that you cannot fulfill your contract with them. Then they come back after the contract date is over and want you to be their time slave and keep on working for them.
Goodbye, I love you
It is hard to understand how saying goodbye can be an act of love. But if your love for another is betraying your love for yourself, then it will soon become poison, not love. The only loving thing to do is leave.
When the toxic person starts behaving toxically, do you begin to feel that there is something wrong with YOU? Do you begin to wonder what did YOU do wrong? Do you wreck your brains trying to remember if you said or did something that might have offended them?
You just bit the bait. You are hooked on the Toxic Dance. What hooks you in this dance is your fear. You are afraid to go out into a world full of strangers. Will you make new friends? Will they love you? You are afraid to be left alone if you stand in your power. Who wants that? Relationships are essential to happiness, and nothing can substitute friendship.
So you stay in the toxic relationship. If you are facing such a relationship now, use the descriptions in this article to evaluate it. Is this friend or client toxic? Is your love or loyalty for this person running against your loyalty and love for yourself? Are you trapped in a Toxic Dance that is diminishing your self-esteem and your faith in your dream? If the answer is yes, I have five words for you.
Love them, but LEAVE them.
This is not about hatred, blame or judgment. This is about love.
If you do not release these people in a good way, out of love, when there is still the possibility of simply moving away gently ~you may come to the point of a serious clash. Then you will have to leave in the middle of a fight.
Yes, I know it’s easier said than done. I’m not going to lie to you that it is easy.
You are an atom in the divine body. You are a gift to the world. You’ve worked so hard to learn, heal and build a good live. Love yourself enough to walk away from that which diminishes you.
No one deserves that you betray your soul, your happiness and your potential. No one deserves that you go back to your old world, becoming a ghost just for them. That option is not love. It is not love for them. And it is certainly not love for yourself. Choose the Dance of Joy and get off the Toxic Dance. AUTHOR’S BIO
Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational poet, speaker, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams.